More In-Depth NFL Picks

Okay, time to improve that shitty record from last week. Less science! More guts!

CLE @ BAL - Baltimore. Alphabetical order comes into play here.

WAS @ DET - Washington. Since Detroit lost last week, proving the universe like Dawn, and Washington won last week, it's proof that the universe likes racists. I still don't, but hey, this is football.

JAC @ HOU - Houston. Danny Huston is a better actor the Joshua Jackson.

ATL @ NE - Atlanta. Can't fight the alphabet forever.

GB @ STL - Greeen Bay. Saint Louis isn't the patron saint of anything affecting the Packers.

NYG @ TB - Noo Yawk. Buccaneers are no match for Giants, and also, alphabet.

TEN @ NYJ - Noo Yawk. Jets could probably take down some Titans. If they're armed with titan-appropriate munitions.

KC @ PHI - Kansas City. Chiefs teach their tribe to respect nature. Therefore the Eagles like them fine and let them win sometimes.

SF @ MIN - Minnesota. HELLLOOOOOO! We're talking about VIKINGS here. Hey, they should sign Brock Lesnar.

NO @ BUF - Buffalo. There is no God in Buffalo. Therefore the Saints are powerless.

CHI @ SEA - Chicago. Alphabet. Da Bears. What the fuck is a seahawk?

PIT @ CIN - Pittsburgh. You see, steelers will keep reaching for that rainbow, and Bengals are a pretty orange.

DEN @ OAK - Denver. Does Homer Simpson still own the Broncos? Doesn't matter, Oakland won last week, so they'll lose this week.

MIA @ SD - San Diego. Why? Because Flutie played there once.

IND @ ARI - Arizona, but just barely. Fuck the Colts and their not letting the CFL use their name back in the day.

CAR @ DAL - Carolina. I maintain that Dallas is an irrelevant city with irrelevant teams. Also, Panthers are pretty awesome.

There you go. How could these NOT be 100% accurate?