Superbowl Menu

Rumour is that a game of American Football was played yesterday in the fictional hamlet of Miami. I believe this rumour because I had half a dozen people over at my place watching burly men throw around an oblong ball and occasionally have a pile-on.

I'm told that's how it usually goes.

Okay, so I can't claim total ignorance of football. I don't really watch it, probably can't tell you the difference between a linebacker and an offensive lineman (seriously, there's a quarterback, a kicker, a receiver, and then a bunch of random positions as far as I'm concerned), but I AM a poseur, and therefore watch the Superbowl every year.

Sometimes, I host the party, other times, I let someone else do the work. This year it was on me. Why? Because I have the newest television.

But this is me, and parties are seldom about whatever the focus is. I do 'em for the people, the prep, and the hope that this will be the night that elves sneak into my place and clean up for me. I even left the door unlocked yesterday. No dice.

It's the Superbowl. That calls for wings, pizza, nachos, beer, etc.. Easy, right?

Well, as long as you don't buy 9lbs of organic raw wings from your local butcher and use a multi-step method of cooking them. Or make your salsa, guacamole, and chili from scratch. Or decide that variety is the spice of life when it comes to beer. Or get up an hour later than planned.

Yup, I figured it was high time I did my own wings. No freezer box or take-out option would do. So I bought 9 lbs of raw wings, and used Alton Brown's Buffalo wings recipe to prep them. That requires steaming, drying, chilling, baking, and coating, and around 2 hours. 3 types of hot sauce in the Buffalo sauce in my case too - because I wanted to get rid of 'em. 20 were done Buffalo style, 20 were done with a maple-bourbon sauce, and 20 were left unseasoned because they weren't needed and I'll make 'em something tasty soon. I did make a slight adjustment in the process though. They were all steamed with beer instead of water. Seemed like a great way to get rid of the shitty stuff that was somehow still in my place.

Oh, that maple-bourbon sauce? Maple syrup, bourbon, ketchup, worcestershire, onion, garlic, shallot, soy sauce, hot sauce, vinegar, salt, pepper, and whatever else I kept tossing in there to tame the sweetness. Turned out well.

I made the salsa Friday, knowing it would need time for the flavours to fuse. Chili was made last week and frozen. The guacamole was the biggest hit, and took about 5 minutes to make.

Avocados, tomato, onion, lime juice, cayenne pepper, chopped jalapeño, ground coriander seed, garlic powder, salt, and maybe a couple other things. Mash it all up and enjoy.

Cheese on the nachos? Mexican spiced cheddar, fresh mozzarella, and jalapeño jack. Oh, and fresh jalapeño pepper, tomato, and onion.

Easy stuff all around, and foods that everyone recognizes. But just the simple fact of being fresh and homemade made them so much better than picking up some jars of Old El Paso and a box of frozen "hot" wings.

And in case you forgot about me and beer... the selection in my fridge yesterday:

Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion
Blanche De Chambly
Maudite
Fin Du Monde
Trois Pistoles
Hoegaarden
McAuslan Apricot Wheat
St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout
Guinness
Kilkenny
Mill Street Coffee Porter
Mill Street Stock Ale

I might have gone overboard...

Are They STILL Playing Football?

I mean, the season ended up here weeks ago. You still slogging it down south?

Sad.

Do they play during the Christmas weekend? If so, here are my picks:

Thursday: I'll be brining a turkey and hanging w/ the family. If any bird-based teams (Eagles, Cardinals, Falcons, Orioles, Hawks, Ostriches, Emus, Kiwis, or otherwise) are playing, they'll win, but it'll be salty.

Friday: They don't play football on Friday do they? I'll be eating the aforementioned turkey, some ham, sides, and then having dinner of roast venison, roasted root veggies, brussels sprouts, beans, and potatoes. So... umm... I'll be too full to care.

Saturday: Boxing day! That means big sales in Canada! I don't foresee myself doing a ton of shopping this year, but more likely sleeping in and taking it easy whilst avoiding the crowds.

Sunday: No idea what I'm doing Sunday, but I won't be giving a shit about football.

Monday: Day off because Boxing Day is on a Saturday! I plan to sleep in and then wake up happy that I'm not at work. I might not even put on pants. I suppose there's still MNF, and I'll be really busy not caring.

Leafs will go 1-1 over the weekend. They may win tonight.

Sports Weekend!

Hey! It's time for more exciting sports talk.

After I went a stellar 100% in last week's NFL picks (I'm assuming), I'll once again go with the "I couldn't give less of a shit if I was constipated" line of picking this weekend. And the winner is... me!

But hey, there's always the NHL. Which in Toronto means The Leafs. Which means sucking. 0-6-1. The only winless team in the league. 1 point in 7 games. Worse than the fucking Islanders and Wild. Seriously. Wow.

And they play the Canucks tomorrow night. Who aren't exactly tearing up the league themselves so far. Can a full week off, playing dodgeball and getting beaten up in the media help the mighty Leafers? Probably not. They're still starting their third-string goalie, still have no offense, no depth, and a defensive line that can't seem to get on the same page.

Can the Canucks lose? Sure. But it won't be due to any efforts from the boys in blue and white. We just don't have a very good team. But I have faith. They can achieve 11th place by the end of the season, I'm sure of it!

Me? I'll be drinking Whisky tonight, eating organ meats, and then sleeping. Tomorrow? I try and squeeze into my nice suit and head off to a wedding. Maybe the bride or groom have some hot cousins or coworkers I haven't met...

More Picks?

Here are this weekend's NFL picks:

I don't give a shit about any of the games, and wouldn't be watching them even if I did. Since the only world that exists is the one I observe, there are therefore no games, which means everybody wins.

That was easy.

How'd I Do?

Two turkey dinners down, and a ton of leftovers staring me in the face, what else is there to do but see how my fairly random NFL picks went?

Just remember kids - always brine your turkey before roasting. You won't regret it.

CIN @ BAL - Baltimore - Cincy?? What? This is like the year of the Bengals
WAS @ CAR - Carolina - Carolina!
CLE @ BUF - Cleveland - Cleveland! Held to 6 points and they win by 3. Ha!
PIT @ DET - Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh!
DAL @ KC - Dallas - Dallas!
MIN @ STL - Minnesota - Minnesota! Man, do the Rams ever suck.
OAK @ NYG - New York - New York! Wow, talk about a whuppin'.
TB @ PHI - Philadelphia - Philadelphia! I'm on a roll!
ATL @ SF - San Francisco - Atlanta. So much for the roll.
HOU @ ARI - Houston - Arizona. Things were looking good there for awhile.
NE @ DEN - Denver - Denver! See Dawn, this is why I don't pick the Pats.
JAC @ SEA - Jacksonville - Seattle. Wow, could I have been MORE wrong?
IND @ TEN - Tennessee - Indianapolis. Whoops.
NYJ @ MIA - New York - Miami. What?

8 right again. Talk about average. This system needs some refinement.

NFL Picks Week 5!

Skipped last week, because I don't give a shit. Doing this week because I still don't.

CIN @ BAL - Baltimore - Bengals still suck

WAS @ CAR - Carolina - Panthers are still awesome creatures

CLE @ BUF - Cleveland - I just can't bring myself to pick Buffalo

PIT @ DET - Pittsburgh - Lions fear rainbows. It's a fact

DAL @ KC - Dallas - Cowboys are worth more as a team than the Chiefs. Also, US history

MIN @ STL - Minnesota - Remember when the Rams were good?

OAK @ NYG - New York - Oakland had to travel a long way to get their asses kicked

TB @ PHI - Philadelphia - Eagles, as a species, are kinda awesome

ATL @ SF - San Francisco - I can only assume there are 49 of them, which is more than 37

HOU @ ARI - Houston - Houston once banged 600 guys. That's impressive.

NE @ DEN - Denver - In memory of both John and Bob

JAC @ SEA - Jacksonville - Jessie Jackson knew MLK Jr.

IND @ TEN - Tennessee - In honour of Sam McGee

NYJ @ MIA - New York - Unless rocked by a hurricane. [guitar riff]

More In-Depth NFL Picks

Okay, time to improve that shitty record from last week. Less science! More guts!

CLE @ BAL - Baltimore. Alphabetical order comes into play here.

WAS @ DET - Washington. Since Detroit lost last week, proving the universe like Dawn, and Washington won last week, it's proof that the universe likes racists. I still don't, but hey, this is football.

JAC @ HOU - Houston. Danny Huston is a better actor the Joshua Jackson.

ATL @ NE - Atlanta. Can't fight the alphabet forever.

GB @ STL - Greeen Bay. Saint Louis isn't the patron saint of anything affecting the Packers.

NYG @ TB - Noo Yawk. Buccaneers are no match for Giants, and also, alphabet.

TEN @ NYJ - Noo Yawk. Jets could probably take down some Titans. If they're armed with titan-appropriate munitions.

KC @ PHI - Kansas City. Chiefs teach their tribe to respect nature. Therefore the Eagles like them fine and let them win sometimes.

SF @ MIN - Minnesota. HELLLOOOOOO! We're talking about VIKINGS here. Hey, they should sign Brock Lesnar.

NO @ BUF - Buffalo. There is no God in Buffalo. Therefore the Saints are powerless.

CHI @ SEA - Chicago. Alphabet. Da Bears. What the fuck is a seahawk?

PIT @ CIN - Pittsburgh. You see, steelers will keep reaching for that rainbow, and Bengals are a pretty orange.

DEN @ OAK - Denver. Does Homer Simpson still own the Broncos? Doesn't matter, Oakland won last week, so they'll lose this week.

MIA @ SD - San Diego. Why? Because Flutie played there once.

IND @ ARI - Arizona, but just barely. Fuck the Colts and their not letting the CFL use their name back in the day.

CAR @ DAL - Carolina. I maintain that Dallas is an irrelevant city with irrelevant teams. Also, Panthers are pretty awesome.

There you go. How could these NOT be 100% accurate?

NFL Picks Review

Let's see how I did...

CAR @ ATL - Me: ATL Reality: ATL
MIN @ DET - Me: DET Reality: MIN
CIN @ GB - Me: GB Reality: CIN Really?
ARI @ JAC - Me: JAC Reality: ARI
OAK @ KC - Me: OAK Reality: OAK
NE @ NYJ - Me: NE Reality: NYJ
NO @ PHI - Me: NO Reality: NO
HOU @ TEN - Me: TEN Reality: HOU
STL @ WAS - Me: STL Reality: WAS
TB @ BUF - Me: TB Reality: BUF
SEA @ SF - Me: SEA Reality: SF
PIT @ CHI - Me: CHI Reality: CHI
CLE @ DEN - Me: DEN Reality: DEN
BAL @ SD - Me: SD Reality: BAL
NYG @ DAL - Me: NYG Reality: NYG
IND @ MIA - Me: IND Reality: IND

Sooooo... that's 7 I got right. Not quite 50%. I'll need to refine for this weekend.

ATL, OAK, NO, CHI, DEN, NYG, and IND won. So I'll focus on those winning strategies. Except Oakland's was negated by Tampa's loss (same reasoning), so it will be the outlier.

ATL was picked due to alphabetical order of the city name. But that wouldn't have worked with Denver or the Giants. But if I'd used strictly this criteria, I'd have picked 9 winners. Hrmmm.

NO won because there's a saint who could talk to animals, and they were playing the Eagles. This seems a sound strategy.

CHI won because I like saying "Da Bears!" but that will grow old, so will depend on my mood.

NYG won because they're freakin' Giants. Also, they were playing Dallas. So they can only lose to teams who could conceivably beat giants.

IND was picked because I was feeling nostalgic for the heady days of 90's CFL and the Baltimore Colts. That won't last either, and also is rarely useful unless Shreveport gets an NFL team (or Birmingham, Las Vegas, Memphis, San Antonio or Baltimore).

So, alphabetical order, powers of persuasion over their opponents, and physical advantage seem to be useful metrics for picking teams.

Now to start my in-depth research into this week's matchups.

NFL Picks!

It's week 2! I missed week 1! I don't give a shit about football! Therefore, here are my picks for this week. Use them at your own risk.


CAR @ ATL - Atlanta. A comes before C dumbass.

MIN @ DET - Detroit. Huh? Well, Dawn Summers plans to pick the Vikings in her suicide pool, and I have a feeling the universe hates her this week.

CIN @ GB - Green Bay. C'mon, it's the Bengals. Even *I* know they suck. And I already picked the Lions to win this week.

ARI @ JAC - Jacksonville. Who can take a team of cardinals seriously? Little red noisy birds, pretty to look at, but not football players. Or are they those Popey guys? Hmm... naw, most of them aren't American, so they think football involves a soccer ball.

OAK @ KC - Oakland. It's talk like a pirate day this weekend. Raiders have an eyepatch. QED.

NE @ NYJ - Who cares? Let's go with the Pats.

NO @ PHI - Does Francis of Assisi play on the Saints? If so, he should be able to tame the Eagles.

HOU @ TEN - Tennessee. It has more letters than Houston.

STL @ WAS - Someone's getting rammed. That someone is the team with the racist name. Nobody likes racists.

TB @ BUF - Tampa. See: Talk like a pirate day Buccaneer. Also, Buffalo sucks.

SEA @ SF - I still have no idea what a Seahawk is. Seattle wins.

PIT @ CHI - I feel like saying "Da Bears!" today, so we'll go with Chicago.

CLE @ DEN - Denver. Their stadium has a height advantage.

BAL @ SD - How many fucking teams are there in this league? I hate football. I guess that's not a prediction though, just a statement of fact. San Diego because of Ron Burgundy.

NYG @ DAL - Is Dallas even relevant anymore? At all? In any sport? Besides, how do you beat a team of GIANTS?

IND @ MIA - Thank the Lord, this is the last game. All this typing is a pain in the ass. Well, really, in the wrist and fingers, but it's all connected. Indiana. What? It's Indianapolis? Is that in Indiana? It is? Phew. The Colts, because once there was a CFL team that wanted to be called the Colts, they played in Baltimore, but the NFL was all mean wouldn't let them, so they changed their name to the Stallions eventually. Yah, that's right, the CFL had US teams in the 90's bitches. I care only slightly more about the CFL though.

If you pick these teams, I guarantee* you that you'll win.



*guarantee not valid on any planets located within the Milky Way galaxy or anywhere else in the first 10 theoretical dimensions of reality.

Seems I Was Wrong

I called the Steelers, as did 50% of the rest of the world. I said 8 points though, based on the highly scientific "who has the longer last name" method. Whoops.

I also said it would be the crappiest Superbowl of all time. Seems I was wrong.

Helluva game, tons of grit shown on both sides.

It's a godo thing Pittsburgh and Philly don't like each other... otherwise Pennsylvania would be insufferable.

Monday, WTF?

Where the hell did you come from Monday? It was Friday, like, 2 minutes ago. No fucking way you're already here Monday. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH SATURDAY AND SUNDAY? Oh... right.

Friday - Beer and Robbie Burns and Haggis and Bagpipes and Scotch
Saturday - Venture Bros and Bourbon Sour and Jambalaya and Hangin' out
Sunday - Pants? I don't need no steenking pants! Who needs pants to win a few satellites to the Sunday 750k just for the T$? Oh, and Fajitas and Crème Brûlée ice cream (stage 1).

So, good weekend. Just too fast.

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BSG - Talk about trying to cram as much as they can in 10 episodes. This whole Gaeta thing isn't ringing true. I think the webisodes are key to understanding where this is coming from and where it's going to. Here's hoping the political plot gets resolved quickly or shoved to the background. I'm really quite curious how the whole thing is going to wrap up. Maybe everyone is a Cylon, and they'll all join hands and sing while a rainbow arcs overhead.

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Heroes is back next week with President Worf. So Nathan is now going to round up all the people with powers. Super. If they introduce a Jewish character to smack us over the head with how it's just like Nazi Germany, I might throw up a bit in my mouth. Unless they name him Magneto... then I'll hurl heavy objects at my TV. I mean, they have two Japanese characters on the show (even if only one has powers), so the parallel to WWII Japanese internment camps should be easy enough to draw.

But it does recall the online comic from season 1 or 2, where future Peter rescues Nikki from superhero prisons, that are staffed by people with powers to hold people with powers or something. You know, government-sanctioned Heroes in special forces units vs normal people who don't want to be Government lackeys.

Yah, let's see if they can keep the second half of the season straight. I'll leave most of the vivisection to Goat.

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Superbowl - Man, did I miss on my picks. Steelers vs Cardinals? Whatever. I'll pick the Steelers now, just because Roethlisberger is a fun name to say.

Let's see... Roethlisberger has 14 letters. Warner has 6. That's a difference of 8. So let's say Steelers by 8, in the lamest Superbowl of all-time. Unless I drink too much, in which case it will be the most awesomest Superbowl evah!

0-2 Baby!

Yah, in the golf-scoring rules of football picks, I'm the winner!

Cardinals vs Steelers for the Stupendous Bowl.

I so don't give a shit. It had better be warm on the 1st, so I can walk home in a drunken stupor.

Now I must spend 11 days analyzing the key aspects of this matchup to determine a winner.

What rhymes with Cardinal?

NFL Picks?

Why, everyone else is doing it, why not me? Just because I don't follow football in the slightest, or get WHY people love it so much (outside of the betting of course) is no reason why I can't contribute.

Eagles vs Cardinals

Please. Eagles are fucking huge and fly fucking high and see really fucking good and can screech really fucking loud. Cardinals are red, sound like a squeaky wheel, and are the size of my fist. Eagles kill Cardinals easy. Also, it's Arizona! Didn't Toronto almost buy them once because they sucked so hard?

Ravens vs Steelers

What? Only one bird in this one? At least it's a raven, which is a pretty bad-ass bird. Big honking black carrion-eating emissary of evil vs the Village People? Yah, tough call. I mean sure, steelworkers are all strong and work hard and stuff, as long as they aren't reaching for that rainbow, but all a raven has to do is start reminding them of their lost love Lenore (or "Lenny" if you will) and they'll get all weepy and frazzled. Ravens beat them down emotionally and then feast on their entrails.

So that means Ravens vs Eagles for the Superbowl. That is one BADASS aviary pairing. I just remembered, I have Superbowl plans this year, I guess that means I should care enough to watch a bit on Sunday so I can bullshit my way through the game on the 1st.

Week 2 Results

Let's see if I improved...

CHI @ CAR - CAR - Picked CHI
TEN @ CIN - TEN - Picked TEN
GB @ DET - GB - Picked GB
BUF @ JAC - BUF - Picked JAC
OAK @ KC - OAK - Picked KC
IND @ MIN - IND - Picked MIN
NUG @ STL - NYG - Picked NYG
NO @ WAS - WAS - Picked NO
SF @ SEA - SF - Picked SF
ATL @ TB - TB - Picked TB
MIA @ ARI - ARI - Picked ARI
SD @ DEN - DEN - Picked DEN
NE @ NYJ - NE - Picked NE
PIT @ CLE - PIT - Picked PIT
PHI @ DAL - DAL - Picked DAL

So 10 out of 15, or 66.67%. A mild improvement over the previous week, only because there was one less game. Faults in my strategy? I still took the Jaguars based on not picking the other feline-based teams. I have to stop this bias. I also apparently guessed wrong on the type of Bear in Chicago. One can only assume henceforth that it is, in fact, a Teddy Bear. Who could have guessed that Washington and Oakland would have won? I forgot that racist stereotypes don't care about religious icons, and that Raiders with guns probably beat Chiefs. As for Indy beating MIN? I should have listend to Ohcaptain and realized that these aren't the tough-as-nails row-across-the-Atlantic Vikings, but the pansy-ass stay-at-home-and-drink-mead variety.

Football Week 2

Alright, let's see if I can improve on last week's 62.5% record.

CHI @ CAR - What type of Bear is it in Chicago? A grizzly could take down a panther, and a polar bear would probably be capable too. A black or brown bear though... that would be a battle. A hairy gay man vs a panther isn't much of a battle though, and a Bear Stearns is already dead. Panthers are also just cooler than bears. Well, it's a bear market these days, so let's assume grizzly and pick Chicago.

TEN @ CIN - I like tigers, and I have two Bengal cats as pets, but Cincy sucks donkey balls. Also, Titans crush tiny creatures.

GB @ DET - Oh man... the Pack vs the Lions. Lots of loyal fans involved, even though the lions have the double whammy of sucking AND being in Detroit. I had a nice conversation once with an opponent at a poker table at how scary Detroit was. Then I took his money. Cheeseheads for the win.

BUF @ JAC - I still don't know what a Bill is, and I still hate Buffalo (it's in the Toronto charter). But once Wilson kicks the bucket, that team's coming north of the border. We'll change their name to something more mascot-friendly...like the Argonauts or maybe name them after a bird or cat of some sort. The Toronto Maine Coons? The Toronto Titmouses? Oh right, a pick... fuck. Jaguars are pretty awesome, and I already killed panthers and tigers today. Let's go with Jacksonville.

OAK @ KC - Chiefs. I mean, it's freakin' Oakland. Sorry Carmen, no extra hour off work on Monday.

IND @ MIN - Vikings kinda rock, and Peyton is kinda sucking a bit. Yah, Vikings ride horses for breakfast or something.

NYG @ STL - Giants crush rams and then feast on their carcasses. Hey, it's just what giants do, cuz they're huge like Titans!

NO @ WAS - Don't bet against Saints. They're Saints after all.

SF @ SEA - Hey, does Joe Montana still play in SF? Let's see, one team eats their fish with rice-a-roni, the other with marijuana... tough call. SF FTW!

ATL @ TB - Falcons are kind of like parrots, who sit on Buccaneers' shoulders and want crackers. I can't abide racism. Tampa Bay shivers their timbers or something.

MIA @ ARI - Really? I have to pick between the Dolphins and Cardinals? Fuck, it's Miami... Arizona wins.

SD @ DEN - Broncos! They charge AND buck, vs Chargers who are far more 1-dimensional.

NE @ NYJ - Tom Brady will likely be watching from a hospital room or bravely making a speech to his team... it doesn't matter, because his superpowers will flow through whatever medium separates him from the Patriots and imbue his team with strength. Also, Jets suck.

PIT @ CLE - Again, WTF is a Brown? Someone change the stupid name. Oh, it's Cleveland, they're lame anyway. "Hey, we've got the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame!" Yah? where the hell is Pat Boone? huh??" Steelers kick their asses.

PHI @ DAL - Dallas. Sorry Riggs, but Cowboys have guns, and Eagles don't have body armour.

Tune in Tuesday to see how awesome I truly am!