Football Week 2

Alright, let's see if I can improve on last week's 62.5% record.

CHI @ CAR - What type of Bear is it in Chicago? A grizzly could take down a panther, and a polar bear would probably be capable too. A black or brown bear though... that would be a battle. A hairy gay man vs a panther isn't much of a battle though, and a Bear Stearns is already dead. Panthers are also just cooler than bears. Well, it's a bear market these days, so let's assume grizzly and pick Chicago.

TEN @ CIN - I like tigers, and I have two Bengal cats as pets, but Cincy sucks donkey balls. Also, Titans crush tiny creatures.

GB @ DET - Oh man... the Pack vs the Lions. Lots of loyal fans involved, even though the lions have the double whammy of sucking AND being in Detroit. I had a nice conversation once with an opponent at a poker table at how scary Detroit was. Then I took his money. Cheeseheads for the win.

BUF @ JAC - I still don't know what a Bill is, and I still hate Buffalo (it's in the Toronto charter). But once Wilson kicks the bucket, that team's coming north of the border. We'll change their name to something more mascot-friendly...like the Argonauts or maybe name them after a bird or cat of some sort. The Toronto Maine Coons? The Toronto Titmouses? Oh right, a pick... fuck. Jaguars are pretty awesome, and I already killed panthers and tigers today. Let's go with Jacksonville.

OAK @ KC - Chiefs. I mean, it's freakin' Oakland. Sorry Carmen, no extra hour off work on Monday.

IND @ MIN - Vikings kinda rock, and Peyton is kinda sucking a bit. Yah, Vikings ride horses for breakfast or something.

NYG @ STL - Giants crush rams and then feast on their carcasses. Hey, it's just what giants do, cuz they're huge like Titans!

NO @ WAS - Don't bet against Saints. They're Saints after all.

SF @ SEA - Hey, does Joe Montana still play in SF? Let's see, one team eats their fish with rice-a-roni, the other with marijuana... tough call. SF FTW!

ATL @ TB - Falcons are kind of like parrots, who sit on Buccaneers' shoulders and want crackers. I can't abide racism. Tampa Bay shivers their timbers or something.

MIA @ ARI - Really? I have to pick between the Dolphins and Cardinals? Fuck, it's Miami... Arizona wins.

SD @ DEN - Broncos! They charge AND buck, vs Chargers who are far more 1-dimensional.

NE @ NYJ - Tom Brady will likely be watching from a hospital room or bravely making a speech to his team... it doesn't matter, because his superpowers will flow through whatever medium separates him from the Patriots and imbue his team with strength. Also, Jets suck.

PIT @ CLE - Again, WTF is a Brown? Someone change the stupid name. Oh, it's Cleveland, they're lame anyway. "Hey, we've got the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame!" Yah? where the hell is Pat Boone? huh??" Steelers kick their asses.

PHI @ DAL - Dallas. Sorry Riggs, but Cowboys have guns, and Eagles don't have body armour.

Tune in Tuesday to see how awesome I truly am!