NFL Picks!

It's week 2! I missed week 1! I don't give a shit about football! Therefore, here are my picks for this week. Use them at your own risk.


CAR @ ATL - Atlanta. A comes before C dumbass.

MIN @ DET - Detroit. Huh? Well, Dawn Summers plans to pick the Vikings in her suicide pool, and I have a feeling the universe hates her this week.

CIN @ GB - Green Bay. C'mon, it's the Bengals. Even *I* know they suck. And I already picked the Lions to win this week.

ARI @ JAC - Jacksonville. Who can take a team of cardinals seriously? Little red noisy birds, pretty to look at, but not football players. Or are they those Popey guys? Hmm... naw, most of them aren't American, so they think football involves a soccer ball.

OAK @ KC - Oakland. It's talk like a pirate day this weekend. Raiders have an eyepatch. QED.

NE @ NYJ - Who cares? Let's go with the Pats.

NO @ PHI - Does Francis of Assisi play on the Saints? If so, he should be able to tame the Eagles.

HOU @ TEN - Tennessee. It has more letters than Houston.

STL @ WAS - Someone's getting rammed. That someone is the team with the racist name. Nobody likes racists.

TB @ BUF - Tampa. See: Talk like a pirate day Buccaneer. Also, Buffalo sucks.

SEA @ SF - I still have no idea what a Seahawk is. Seattle wins.

PIT @ CHI - I feel like saying "Da Bears!" today, so we'll go with Chicago.

CLE @ DEN - Denver. Their stadium has a height advantage.

BAL @ SD - How many fucking teams are there in this league? I hate football. I guess that's not a prediction though, just a statement of fact. San Diego because of Ron Burgundy.

NYG @ DAL - Is Dallas even relevant anymore? At all? In any sport? Besides, how do you beat a team of GIANTS?

IND @ MIA - Thank the Lord, this is the last game. All this typing is a pain in the ass. Well, really, in the wrist and fingers, but it's all connected. Indiana. What? It's Indianapolis? Is that in Indiana? It is? Phew. The Colts, because once there was a CFL team that wanted to be called the Colts, they played in Baltimore, but the NFL was all mean wouldn't let them, so they changed their name to the Stallions eventually. Yah, that's right, the CFL had US teams in the 90's bitches. I care only slightly more about the CFL though.

If you pick these teams, I guarantee* you that you'll win.



*guarantee not valid on any planets located within the Milky Way galaxy or anywhere else in the first 10 theoretical dimensions of reality.