Badgers?! BADGERS??!!

I don't NEED no steeenking badgers!
What? A guy can't randomly use UHF quotes? Man do I love that movie.

Anyway, here's a quick HOWTO.

HOWTO Get In To Work Late Every Day This Week

Note: The time I'd LIKE to get in would be 8:30am. I haven't seen the clock pre-9:20 yet this week when I stroll in. Actually, I don't see north of 9:20 most days ever. This is a problem.

Monday - Wake up, realize you forgot to set two of your FOUR alarms. Not that it would have mattered. STAY IN BED, then rush around, and get out of the house at 9:15 after setting land speed records in morning preparation. You also skipped a few less-important steps on the way. Make it in around 9:23, happy that it's not 9:30.

Tuesday - Wake up earlier, lie in bed despite knowing you need to get up. Spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, but this time casually stroll out at 9:11 because you didn't need to rush this time. Run to subway, make it in for 9:20

Wednesday - Wake up good and early (alarm's only been going for 30 min instead of 2 hours this time). Lie in bed, but don't fall back asleep unlike every other day ever. Eventually roll out of bed an hour later, and think "I have loads of time." Roast up some coffee while shaving and brushing teeth. Grind coffee, transfer grounds to jar to bring to work. Realize you're now running behind. Finish getting ready and leave at 9:12. Remember that there was freezing rain the night before and calls for snow today, which means running on the slick and icy sidewalks to get to the subway isn't an option. Make it in for 9:24.

Thursday - Wake up at 6:30 am when your first alarm goes off. Notice that you're on top of the covers, fully clothed. Apparently when you just wanted to rest your eyes, you passed out for the night. This means you didn't get a few minor chores done... such as feeding the cats and cleaning their litter. Get out of bed, change out of yesterday's clothes, and crawl under the covers "for just a little bit". Sink into the warmth and promptly fall into a restless sleep for the next 1.5 hours (because the radio is still blaring). Get up, and start getting ready. Feed the cats. Go to change their litter and realize how pissed off they are with you... a good sign of this is the piss all over the lid of the litter container and the shit piled up in front of the box, trapped in the spaces in the litter mat. Shiiiiiiit. Spend the next 15 minutes cleaning up the mess and changing the litter. Realize you're now late again. Rush around, stroll out at 9:15. get in at 9:25.

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Now I'd like to say it's been a bad week, but this is pretty much par for the course... every day, all the time. I don't do mornings. It has very little to do with the late hours I keep. If I go to bed early, I still sleep in. If I go to bed late and HAVE to be up early, I am. But generally, if it's before 10am, I don't like it. Weekends often involve me rolling casually out of bed anywhere from 11am-1pm. Obviously, I don't have kids.

Four alarms. FOUR. Radio goes off nice and quiet-like at 6:30. It gets loud at 6:50. I sleep through both of these. 7:10 the BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP starts. I slam a hand down on the OFF button. 7:20 the second round of BEEP BEEP BEEP stars. I slam a hand down on the OFF button. I fall back asleep until I stir around 8-8:15 and realize that I am once again screwed.

You know what does work? Having someone next to me to nicely say, "hey, you need to get up." Usually followed with me grunting and turning over. It's the second (or sometimes third) GENTLE reminder that usually works. I miss that. Woe be to those that tap me repeatedly or go to more extreme measures to awaken me though. It works, but it puts me in one hell of a surly mood to start and it isn't until I'm fully awake and half ready that I apologize for anything I may have said or done. At least I'm not this guy I knew -- his reaction to anyone waking him up was to let a fist fly in the direction of the nearest skull.

I get the impression I'll be writing a lot today.